?

Log in

Please remember to review the community rules before posting.
momo1672
dont_cut
momo1672
I've started cutting ever since grade 5; and even though there are times I see my scars and get scared, I know deep down that my parents have every right to know. How can I make it easier for myself to finally talk to my parents about this? I talked to a counselor and she said that my parents would never be disappointed in me because of it. But still, the fear is still there.. I've heard them say themselves that cutting was stupid; should I still tell them anyways?
Leave a comment
katiemckay65
dont_cut
katiemckay65

I'm going to be posting this same blog into a few communities so I apologise if any of you are on the different communities and end up with 5/6 of the same blog post :) I'd like to gather some followers, so first I'll tell you a little about myself.

I'm Katie. I'm 25, married and have 3 wonderful children. I am studying for a degree from home and spend my spare time studying, playing with the kids or writing.

I have bipolar type II and have been formally diagnosed since around January 2012. For a long time, my GP kept telling me I was simply suffering from episodes of depression. I was on and off anti-depressants, self-harming when nothing else was working and have lost countless friends due to the fact that I was so unstable. Eventually after counselling, I was referred to the local Mental Health team and was soon diagnosed.

I am now on Quetiapine and have started to settle right down. My husband is an amazing support, as are my Mother and Nan. My Father and I have always had a rocky relationship, but since I have been on medication we've started to re-build it. He is now also seeking help as he may well have bipolar, as his father did too. It would certainly explain why we clashed so much and so often.

I am currently writing a book. While it is a work of fiction, it will also be based loosely on facts/truths. Basically, I am writing a book about a girl who has bipolar. It talks about her experiences that lead to her finally getting that diagnosis. I'm hoping, that as well as being a good read, it could help people that don't suffer from an invisible illness to understand it a little more. When reading books, I find that if I'm really into it, I start to understand how the characters are feeling. I want my book to do that. I want people to realise that just because someone has a mental health issue, it doesn't mean they're mental. It doesn't mean they're seeking attention.

A Lot of my friends don't seem to realise that I'm still the same person I've always been, I'm just a hell of a lot more likeable now ;) But quite a few of my friends and family immediately started treating me differently when I was diagnosed. They either treated me like I was delicate, wrapped me up in cotton wool and agreed with me on everything for fear of sending me into a down phase, or they got really defensive and made it look like I was constantly being a pest when I was feeling angry or insecure.

It's incredibly hard for people to put themselves in our shoes. To see things the way we do. They don't realise how extreme our thoughts and feeling can be. And it's mostly down to the fact that people aren't comfortable with speaking out. I know I'm not. My name, for one thing, isn't Katie. I don't feel comfortable having my friends and family knowing everything. I get embarrassed. But I'm hoping, if I can get them all to read my book, they'll start to understand a bit more and maybe I'll be able to open up a little more.

Anyway, I'll stop waffling now.

As well as being here to have people to talk to that understand me more, I'm hoping to draw on people's comments to help make my book even better. (I will never use anyone's comments without permission and I will never use real names!)

I will keep people posted on the book, which I believe will be out in about February 2013.

Hope to speak to some of you soon!

Love, Katie oxoxox

My facebook - http://www.facebook.com/katie.mckay.142 (I have no friends on there yet as I've literally just set it up so please do feel free to add me. Again, I am using the name Katie. My book will also be under this name. I still have my own normal facebook.

I am: awake

Leave a comment
kt626562
dont_cut
kt626562

I haven't hurt my self in a few months but i find my self fighting it, wanting to thinking it will just fix everything but i try to remind my self its npt worth it, and lately it just feels like its all caving in again, i look at my arm and see scares from my past and they remind me of everything ive gone through, and then i start tot hink what other people think of them because they are noticable still and then i get all scared and i'm not sure what to do or say, and its just stupid, and lately i just keep having thoughts of doing it again just because it is that one thing that i seem to be able to "control" in my life. i though i was doing better but i feel like im just simply falling apart no matter what i say or do i feel like if i just take one cut to my wrist it will all be okay again. and i know im mumbling and going on and probably repeating my self over and over again, but im not really sure where to go anymore to vent, none of my friends really understand and they all think that i'm over with self harming my self but i feel like its always going to be who i am, it will define me it feels like for the rest of my life :( 

i just wish i coud get help 

3 comments or Leave a comment
enditnow24
dont_cut
enditnow24
I've been going to doctors for over a year now. I've been diagnosed with depression, with severe manic tendencies, and general anxiety disorder. I flip on a dime, I self harm, and then other days I'm just a normal happy college student full of energy and making friends. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?! I feel like two different people most of the time. I'm on something now for depression but it's honestly doing nothing for me. I've actually felt more depressed now that I'm on it, and have been self harming more than usual. I need help. Someone. Please. 

Support needed ASAP.

Tags:

4 comments or Leave a comment
unwearable
dont_cut
unwearable
please just read, if you consider yourself recoveredCollapse )
4 comments or Leave a comment
flucuare
dont_cut
flucuare
Trigger warning for you-know-whatCollapse )

Tags:

4 comments or Leave a comment
brassinpocket_
dont_cut
brassinpocket_
Hi. I have quite a few scars from when I was an depressed teenager all over my left arm. I am now a perfectly (well, almost!) mentally and physically healthy woman who is unable to wear short sleeves due to what I did over 7 years ago.

Does anyone have any advice on how to lessen the appearance of these scars? They are small-most no longer than one inch- but the fact that they are raised makes them noticeable. The scars are white, so I know I will likely not be able to regain the pigment, but has anyone undergone any effective treatments to making already white scars flatter?

I've read about silicone sheets but I'm unsure as to whether they only flatten red, hypertropic scars.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

P.S. Please no comments about "wearing scars with pride" or whatever. I want them gone. And to anyone who is still doing s-i: you need to realize that when you do get better, which will probably happen, a constant reminder of how you used to be is NOT a good thing, especially when you are trying to thrive in a professional environment.

I am: hopeful

4 comments or Leave a comment
twisted_kitty91
dont_cut
twisted_kitty91
Cheated on my boyfriend... feel like a horrible person and I'm extremely tempted to hurt myself.

I should explain. I started a new job, my co-worker is changing his sex (pre-op) so that he can be a man. We've been flirting with eachother since I started there, I didn't want to tell my boyfriend as he'd be pissed. He got suspicious and searched through my msn convo history and found out everything. He considered it emotional cheating and got really pissed, but after the crap he's pulled he says he understands why I wanted to. We sortof made up but I'm still so confused...  I am still extremely tempted by him, I haven't felt any kind of romantic interest in like a year and this all of a sudden is overwhelming.

I've been with my bf for 5 and a half years, this thing with my co-worker would be a one-time thing, twice max... i know why I'm so tempted by him, and its tearing me up that I keep putting myself through this crap. I respect strong women. I hate myself right now.

If i had enough money to live on my own this wouldn't be happening, I'd just move right out but I can't.
Leave a comment
infamouskid650
dont_cut
infamouskid650
It's long, but I could REALLY use some advice...Read more...Collapse )

I am: nauseated

Leave a comment
dont_cut
lolgirl2325

Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing well.

It is me, Sarah. So, I guess you could say life was going really well for awhile, and I was happy. I recently went through a semi-depressive breaking point. I guess as my therapist says "it's hard to fully be comfortable in a place of being healthy for a long time, if you haven't ever really been there before." It's another sleepless night in Northern CA. I got a girlfriend, well my best friend asked me if she could be my girlfriend. I happily accepted since I've loved her since we became friends. It's just been pretty rough for me these past couple of weeks, I had to cut some ties with people in my life who weren't exactly benefitting me being healthy(I bet that sounds really selfish and mean).  Needless to say, it wasn't an easy thing to do...since I had to basically say good bye to my best guy friend of nearly 3 years. I've been struggling a lot with having the positive attitude and outlook on life that I had a month ago, and with my depressive state of mind comes with the triggers of wanting to self-harm, and relapse into my eating disorder. Oh the joys of being a teen. :/ Anyways, I made a community(not sure about how the mods feel about promoting them...hopefully they'll be okay with it.) Anyways, I made a community to try and get us (or anyone really) who's struggling with a hard time in life or whatever to be more positive. It's a community where you post things throughout the day or night that made you happy. You can post one thing, or even a list of 100 things(if that were the case). I just find for me,(and maybe other people out there too?) that when I'm really depressed, it can help to write down little things throughout the day that brought me a bit of joy, or made me a bit happier or feel better...or some positive emotion. I don't know if my community is a good idea or not, I hope it is. I just thought it would be useful, because many people have said, to change your mindset from positive to negative is, for every negative thought you think of three positive thoughts. Link to my community:the-smalljoys.livejournal.com/ . Sorry there aren't any posts currently(and by the time you all read this there will probably be a few from me.) It's my first ever community, and I'm not expecting it to get huge, but I just thought it'd be a cool idea if maybe some of you joined and I got to read little things throughout the day that made you happy.

I hope you're all doing well, or okay at least. Sorry that my post is a bit scatter brained and boring. I've been quite out of it lately.

Take care of yourselves and stay strong. One day at a time.

-Sarah


I am: crappy

Leave a comment
dont_cut
lolgirl2325

I have one year cut free today. And I am so proud of how far I've come. I can proudly and honestly say I'm not depressed anymore, and that I am a healthy and positive advocate in my own life. I have made much progress in therapy and words just can not describe my grattitude for all of the amazing and wonderful things life has blessed me with. And not to forget all the amazing people who have supported me since day one. I would not have ever known the great joys of life today without first knowing great sorrow. As they say, it has to get worse before it gets better.(or at least that's what I was always told).

I hope all of you are doing well!

Stay strong, and I believe in all of you.

Remember, if you slip up today...tomorrow is always a new day. Or at least that's one thing that got me through, and also remember to take everything one day at a time. :)

-Sarah

PS: Sorry if this sounds a bit braggy, I just wanted to share my accomplishment with all of you. I really couldn't have done it without all of you in this community, my family, my friends, and my wonderful therapist. Thank you all soooooo soooo much!


Current Location: My Mind
I am: accomplished

1 comment or Leave a comment
victoriapaine
dont_cut
victoriapaine
im falling apart..i thought i could deal with this..but i feel like curling up in a hole and dying. i have want to talk to someone about it but i didnt want to hurt them or make them sad. my bf can tell something is wrong with me..but he doesnt know what it is. i dont want to hurt him by telling him. my addiction to cutting would just make him really sad. i feel like im out of control. and its driving me insane. the only time i feel calm relaxed and incontrol is when i cut..sigh im clinical depressed. so im taking meds for that and its helping a lil..but im still unhappy a lot...

I am: depressed

6 comments or Leave a comment
littleravenhome
dont_cut
littleravenhome
I have no idea what im doing here. I cant think. I want to scream and shout.

I'm sitting on the couch in my living room, my wonderful, loving, caring husband is sitting not 2 metres away playing on the xbox and i'm quietly falling apart, my chest is tight and my skin itches. I need to let this out.

I can't hide from him- he knows what i'm like, what i've done in the past. I feel so guilty for even thinking of it, I had a 2.5 childhood. Money (enough), loving parents (still together), older brother (arse- but still there), friends (sort of)... i love him and i dont want to dissapoint. My parents think i'm going to kill myself- i can hear the worry when i say i've had a bad day. Navy guy said i'd be swinging from a rope in a year (hah, made it to five.. prick).

theres no one i can talk to. image is too important- everything has to be perfect. my friends are.. not the kind to talk to about this. Drink yes. talk no. Family- family is lovely but.. image.

This makes no sense. I'm sorry. I have no idea what i'm doing here. I need a friend, I need someone to talk to. I need to know i'm not a freak. I need to know theres an element of normality here. I need.. I dont know (lie). I know what i need but I can't...I promised. Never mind. I dont know.

Hi. My names ash.. I'm not normally like this. most ppl think i'm fine. I have no idea if this is the right thing to do. I just needed to vent. try to connect. i'm ok.
8 comments or Leave a comment
twisted_kitty91
dont_cut
twisted_kitty91
I feel sad today. And Angry. Mostly just impatient.

It was raining so I worked on a painting but it just made me more restless and frustrated because it won't come together like I want it to.

I've been waiting 13 months for my boyfriend to get a job and I just don't want to wait anymore, I'm so sick of waiting for everything.
I've been waiting and working to get back up to my record time without hurting myself, but I don't think I can even count the past few months because I keep neglecting my body (not eating, drinking too much coffee, not sleeping) and driven myself to severe malnutrition and I'm now developing an ulcer (again). Every day is a struggle to not slip back into my eating disorders or self-harming, its so stressful to resist.
 
My friend back where I used to live seems to be having a really rough time right now, I'm worried about her, she was showing signs of early-stage anorexia when I moved away last year. 

That's it, I'll go on vacation somehow, even just planning to would make me feel better, I'll go visit her and spend a month by the sea, that would be good for me I think. It would keep my mind off of my own issues and I could finally relax :)

*hugs for everyone who needs them*

Tags: ,
Listening to: ATR, This Calling

Leave a comment
doscheekers
dont_cut
doscheekers
I did it again, and i know why.
I cut my legs, and i cut my wrists, i know it could have been worse.
:( I feel awful that i have to start all over again.
I was intoxicated the night it happend. I got myself into a bad situation, yet again.
I dont find much value in my life these days, whats so ever.
I am hiding things in my depths and not letting out how i feel or why.
I have been told I need to go home for the summer months,I dont want to leave, for good reasons. The last couple months I have made mistakes, a lot of them. and I made a very big one when i was back at home, that I have to keep a secret for lots of people I care very deeply for. That is bothering me and I can't talk to anyone about it, and its driving me crazy. Lots of stuff is going on and I can't explain or even say that it is.
Its like i'm doing everything the wrong way.
1 comment or Leave a comment
dont_cut
lolgirl2325
So first, how is everyone doing lately? I hope you're all well, or at least coping to the best of your abilities.

Anyways, so I have a question, how do you all deal with intense emotions? Like besides SI. What do intense feelings feel like to you? Do you get any physical responses in your body? Like maybe feeling like a weight has been dropped on your chest, or like a knot is in your stomach?

Recently I've discovered one of my biggest triggers to SI. And those are literally intense feelings. When I have an intense feeling, it overwhelms me, and my whole body. I get this weird reaction. I basically feel like I want to kick, and scream, and cry, and punch a wall, and cut. I honestly don't know how to deal with my intense feelings at all. It's weird because when I feel numb and empty, I wanna feel intense, but when I feel intense, I just wanna feel numb and empty. It's so confusing, because the only way I feel like I can deal with my intense feelings is to cut. And, ever since I got out of residential treatment last year, I haven't cut. Which is good, it's been almost 11 months now. And I'm proud of that. But for some reason, the more intense I feel, the more I want to cut. And I feel like I'm not strong enough to hold out any longer.

Do any of you ever experience this?

-Sarah

Current Location: Hell
I am: curious

3 comments or Leave a comment
dont_cut
anonynonny
I have no weed, and it's nighttime, when the urge to cut is strongest (only when I'm sober)

I know I would feel so much mmore relaxed and calm if I could cut...but then I know I would be embarrassed and ashamed and worried about hiding it...especially now that it's summer and I want to wear less clothing

trying to distract myself...working so far. I want to drink enough to fall asleep before I go too crazy

it just feels good to finally TELL someones, even if it's via anonymous journal, to people that will understand
2 comments or Leave a comment
dont_cut
lolgirl2325
Okay so it's 10pm in the good old bay area of California, I'm about to try and get some sleep. Life has been kind of hecticish. Good news, birthday is the 16th aka this coming Wednesday, I'm gonna be 15. One more year from getting a driver's liscence. Okay, now for the "scoop" as I like to call it. I've recently returned to school after ing on home studies for 4 long months. It's only for one period a day, and only for math, but the return to seeing people and socialising with others my age has been both a curse and a blessing. While some people in my class are incredibly noisy, nosey, and annoying, I have stumbled upon one gem. A girl, who insists on being my friend and passing notes with me, which is completely shocking and mind boggling to me because, well most people find me incredibly strange, moody, and weird. Not a good recipe for making new friends. Anyways, so back to my rare gem who we'll call "M", well she's very special, she's highly opinionated, atheist, and has an abusive father with cancer. Talk about coincidental? (Background story, my mom had breast cancer in 2009, and my dad abused me in 2010) Anyways, the truth is, even though I've only known her for almost 2 weeks, I'm starting to fall for her. :/ Not good. I'm bisexual, and so is she, and she knows I am. Being my Aquarius/Scorpio rising self, I try to keep my intermost, thoughts, feelings, and self hidden from everyone and everything...so I'm trying to keep my new "attraction" to her under wraps. But I guess that's kind of hard when I tell her she's pretty every day. *scratches head and cringes* Yeah, I'm no good at flirting or keeping my feelings a secret when I start to feel that "security" with someone. And how could I not when we're so likeminded? Bad news, she's a "Cancer/Leo(cusp)" baby and well, Leo isn't compatible with Aquarius that much. We're opposites for goodness sakes, but her Cancerian side is really beautiful to me, and I can't go a minute without thinking about her. Talk about weird eh? Anyways TMI(too much info) back to other news! Today, I discovered part 2 of "Love The Way You Lie" by Eminem and Rihanna...which let me tell you, both parts are extremely heartwrenching for me, considering my last real relationship was very abusive in more ways than one...so you could see how a long song like that could make me cry right? Well the reason I started that little rant about music is because I wonder if any of you have certain songs or bands or music or whatever that makes you really emotional? Like for me, it's "Crawling, Numb, and What I've Done" by Linkin Park that always get me. Okay, final news, I'm going to have 10 months free of cutting on the first Thursday of March. Great right? Hahaha, I don't think so. I think I still have a looooooooooooonnnnnng way to go. When I reach 10 years maybe I'll celebrate.

Okay enough rambling.

Please do let me know how you all are doing, I'm very interested in hearing.

Hope you all are well!

-Sarah

Current Location: Hell
I am: calm
Listening to: "Rehab"-Rihanna ft. Justin Timberlake

2 comments or Leave a comment
twisted_kitty91
dont_cut
twisted_kitty91

I dont know where to begin. I guess I should say that I've been a part of this community for a long time, a few years, but I haven't been coming on very often since the summer because my computer crashed and I'v been saving the money to buy a new laptop. Just got it last week.

I guess the only way to say this is that I need help in determining whether or not my boyfriend is good for me..

behind an lj cut because its a bit lengthyCollapse )
help? 

Tags: ,
I am: cold
Listening to: slipknot - snuff

1 comment or Leave a comment
infamouskid650
dont_cut
infamouskid650
help a friend [college scholarship]Collapse )
Leave a comment
flamegirl_kitty
dont_cut
flamegirl_kitty
After working on my dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking) documentary for over a year and a half, the trailer is out! Please share this in other online communities you are involved in, and to anyone. I want this video to go viral for the people who need to see it. Thank you!



My facebook page is: http://www.facebook.com/pages/FOREVER-MARKED-A-Dermatillomania-Diary-by-Nova-Scotian-author-A-Hartlin/177738602694

I am: accomplished

Leave a comment
dont_cut
flyingtardis
Im giving myself a deadline. Im gonna tell someone by friday. Im gonna get help.
4 comments or Leave a comment
dont_cut
flyingtardis
I feel so trapped, like i cant DO anything about my situation. My family does not know. I don't know how to tell them. Ive missed over 30days of school. They think im sick. Im not. I don't get headaches. I don't get nausea. But i am sick. Just not for those reasons. I have Lyme's Disease. I am cured. But they don't know that. I hear things. In my head. A voice that I console with. A friend. Only its not a friend. Its there. I knows. Everything. It watches me. It see's me. It controls me. The thing is. When it tells me things. Its always right. Never wrong. It tells me the truth. And then lies. And laughs. Its not male or female. Its not a person. Its just a voice. I know nothing about it. It knows everything about me. Its been with me for about 2 years. It came when i started cutting. I make decisions sometimes. Things i wouldn't normally do. Things that feel so right at the moment. Things that i regret. I feel things Ive never felt. Emotions i regret. The voice dosnt force me to do anything. I just do what it says. Because it feels so right. I get so angry. I cannot control my emotions. I laugh when i should cry. I cry when i should laugh. Sometimes Im so happy. I feel like I can do anything. Like I can soar. And then IT comes over me like a black cloud. I am hopeless. Useless. Depressed. It feels like it wont leave. The feelings of hope i had before feel forign. Odd. Like they never happened. Like they shouldn't have happened. My past is so hazy. I only remember certain things. Things that stand out to me. Things that are constant. Im so tired. I cannot do school. I cannot study. I cannot do homework. I cannot pass. This is the worst its been. They don't know. They are expecting good grades. Report cards are in two weeks. They are excited. I have a 59 in english. Im good at english. I read. I write. I cannot pay attention. I cannot write blogs for homework. I cannot do what im told. This leads me back to the black cloud. I am hopeless. I cannot tell anyone. They won't understand. They will send me to the loony bin. Maybe thats where i belong. But they will be so upset. They will be angry. I am a disappointment. I am a liar. I am not sick. I want attention. Go to school. I am just lazy. But im not. I accept that im sick. I want to succeed. I want help. But i cant. I cant. Because they don't know. They don't understand. My neighbor is sick. Like me. She got help first. She is succeeding. That puts me in a worse situation. If I tell them. Then i am mimicking someone else's problems. I am not. The voice is louder. I don't know if its my friend. If i really think. It hasn't been with me for two years. Its been longer. I never realized when i was younger. It was quiet. Only spoke once in a while. I thought it was normal. Until i killed my parakeet. My white one. Marshmellow. They don't know. They think she just died. I know. I will always know. She died. Because of IT. IT told me. My morals were gone for that moment. I killed. I took the life of a living thing. But the voice consoled me. Made me forget. I still remember. But its hazy. Tucked away. I was 8. I am 15. Its still here. Its waiting. I don't know what for. But I trust it. But i hate it. Im confused. I want it to go away. But it tells me everything. Things that are going to happen. Things I have no control over. And its right. Its always right. Its not God. Maybe its the devil. I don't know. It dosnt sound evil. But it is. But it isn't. Please help me. I don't know what to do. I have contemplated suicide. If i die. Will it go away. But im a coward. I fear death. But i don't. I only fear the unknown. I am trapped. Whats going on? Please help me. Please. Why is this happening? Can you help me? I am so Trapped.
5 comments or Leave a comment
doscheekers
dont_cut
doscheekers
I cut again tonight,
that didnt even suffice, I wanted to kill myself.
I even wrote my suicide note.
The pain is getting worse and the voices are getting louder.
2 comments or Leave a comment
abc_nono
dont_cut
abc_nono
i've become more & more depressed since maybe september when i stopped taking my meds. i've lost everything. my friends, my boyfriend, my family. i feel completely alone. completely hopeless. absurdly angry. i just can't see the point of living anymore at all. it scares me cause no matter how bad i felt, i never wanted to really die. now i do. i'm scared of death & what happens afterward. i'm scared i'll be forced to walk the earth as a tormented ghost or something. if i was guaranteed sleep forever, i would've already done it. i feel like i'm always gonna feel like this, i'm always gonna be me. my life is a complicated series of problems that i can't get out of, that i can never see a way out of. just one trap after another. my boyfriend was the one thing i was living for, that got me out of bed in the morning. now there's nothing. everything hurts too much, it's always gonna hurt too much. i'm so tired. i just can't do this anymore. i don't know why i'm posting this really...i guess i want help. i don't know. i've cut myself twice since yesterday. the last time i did it was july 5th. i was doing good but now i can't stop. i'm gonna be found out & i'm scared. it's not even helping, it doesn't hurt enough. i need it to hurt more. i just can't understand how i can still be walking around, still have a beating heart when it hurts this much. i just wish it would stop. everything.
1 comment or Leave a comment
mixtape_starsx3
dont_cut
mixtape_starsx3
The wrapper at work has a heated surface to melt the plastic closed.

I put my palm on it. Accidentally. But it reminded me of all those times I used to burn.

Feeling weak.. The good thing about a burn is you can feel it forever after, and if I get temped, I can just poke at this one or something.

Maybe I won't do it on purpose.
2 comments or Leave a comment
doscheekers
dont_cut
doscheekers
So these last few weeks have been hell for me.
I feel like dying flesh on the inside and fake exterior.
I started using drugs, and cut myself up pretty bad.
I'm barely one day sober, and im already dying to be high.
or pain, its like an old friend that I miss.
Leave a comment